Random Acts of Sport: Slow-Pitch Softball

There are two kinds of softball leagues that should exist: the complete and total beer league where you barely even keep score and have to do a shot every time you score, or the moderately-competitive-but-we're-still-drinking-a-couple-beers-on-the-side league. I am currently in the latter, playing for an architecture firm in Boston. Softball leagues are great because you can pretend you're still as athletic as you were in high school without actually having to exert yourself. It's especially fun if you're on a decent team—not even win-loss decent, just decent enough to leave the field with your self-respect intact. I've been on really good teams and teams like last summer where you're giving up seven outs an inning. One game we played so poorly that afterward my friend who worked at a hospital drank himself into oblivion and missed work for the first and only time ever the next day. We actually played our best game with only seven players because there were fewer people on the field to make errors. (I include myself in that; we were awful as a whole.)

As fun as these leagues can be, we need a ruling on certain aspects. For example, old men wearing tight baseball pants to play a slow-pitch softball game—NOT SPORT. Usually these are the worst players on the field. Sliding to break up a double play—Definitely SPORT. Nothing wrong with gettin' a little dirt on your shirt. Watching pitches go by in an attempt to walk—NOT SPORT. The ball is traveling at 10 MPH in an arc; you're not a professional athlete, and neither is the pitcher. So let's not waste everyone's time by "working the count." Using your glove as a beer coosy (or however you spell it)—SPORT. Not only does it take added coordination, but it helps hide it from any roaming police or security people cracking down on your good time.

Finally, and what got me thinking on all this: we played a game Friday night and were winning about 20-3 in the sixth inning. I hit a sacrifice fly to center field that scored a run, and as I happily trotted off the field, our player/manager who was keeping the book said "don't worry; won't hurt your average." I said, "Yeah, if only we actually kept track of that," half-kidding. His response: "Oh, I do." "You do?" "Yep. I'll send you it after the game."

Sure enough, I got home and in an email he included a spreadsheet with everyone's stats for the whole season. Did I spend a good five minutes going over everything? Absolutely. Could I now tell you exactly what I'm hitting if you were to ask me? Yep. Am I willing to admit that it's probably way too much effort for a slow-pitch softball league? Totally.

Again, it's slow-pitch softball. The average score of a game is something like 16-11 with seven errors for each side. Looking at the stats, we have NINE guys hitting over .600. As glad as I was to read the email, I'm going to have to declare keeping specific stats on a spreadsheet for slow-pitch softball NOT SPORT.

*Photo Courtesy of lmbaker3 via Creative Commons License.