NBA Jam Preview 2: Boomshakalaka!

Last week, we did the Eastern Conference preview for the upcoming NBA season while reflecting on one of the greatest video games of all time, NBA Jam. Below is the second half -- the Western Conference.

1. Denver Nuggets

NBA Jam '09 - Carmelo Anthony and Chauncey Billups: The Nuggets surprised many last year in reaching the conference finals and challenging the Lakers before eventually succumbing in six games. For those who want to question if they are capable of repeating their efforts, their biggest off-season loss was Linas Kleiza, who was playing only a handful of minutes behind Anthony, and they added Ty Lawson, Arron Afflalo, and James White to their bench, making them younger and more athletic. If they can stay healthy and get the same production from Billups at the point, they could be playing for all the fudge come June.

NBA Jam '93 - Dikembe Mutombo and LaPhonso Ellis: Mutombo is a potential Hall-of-Famer, but that's based largely on his defensive prowess, and defense didn't really play in Jam. If you're wondering who Ellis was, you're probably not alone. He had a handful of decent years in the mid '90s, but that's about it. Neither player was very exciting and the results when put together were predictable. In an '09 version of the game, Melo and Billups would be fun as hell. Both players have decent range and could dish and dunk with the best. A potent combo.

Sidenote: For comedy's sake, it would be fun to have The Birdman, Chris Andersen, in NBA Jam because it would be fascinating to see where they place his "dunk" rating. He was in the dunk contest, but failed epically. So does he get a 90 for being there or a 50 for embarrassing himself?

2. Los Angeles Lakers

NBA Jam '09: Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol: The defending champions (ugh) are back, and not only fully intact, but they added "defensive stopper" Ron Artest to the fold. Hold on a second: the enigmatic (to be polite) Artest hasn't really been a defensive star for a few years now, nor has he been a reliable offensive player in crunch time. The Lakers will miss the talented young Trevor Ariza, who they essentially traded for him, and there's no telling how Lamar Odom's recent marriage to a Kardashian and obsession with candy will affect him over the season. Kobe and Gasol are almost enough by themselves to get the Lakers to the Finals, but for me, the Artest signing feels like the Karl Malone signing a few years back that was way overblown.

NBA Jam '93 - Vlade Divac and James Worthy: The Lakers dynasty of the '80s had been put to bed by '93, as had the career of Worthy, who, like Pippen, was an excellent second banana, but never felt like a star who could carry a team by himself. Divac led the league in back hair from '91-'95 (stats unverified) but was still merely a competent big man. In '09 Jam, Bryant and Gasol would be one of the top teams in the game, even if Gasol's head resembles a piece of broccoli with lycanthropy.

Sidenote: "Hey, cowboy, what are you hunting?" - Kobe Bryant's wife to Karl Malone, who was wearing a cowboy hat.
"I'm hunting little Mexican girls." - Karl Malone
"And if you don't like Karl Malone, there's something wrong with you." - Shaq


3. San Antonio Spurs

NBA Jam '09 - Tim Duncan and Tony Parker: The Spurs continue to get labeled as "aging" and continue to defy pundits with their winning ways. Duncan is still a threat inside and a fantastic leader, and Gregg Popovich might be the best coach in the game. The Spurs brought in Richard Jefferson from Milwaukee for a box of croutons and some Thousand Island dressing, and although he may have slipped a little bit, he'll fit well on this veteran squad. If Manu Ginobili comes back full-strength and Parker can repeat his offensive efforts from a year ago, this team could be in the finals, but those are large ifs.

NBA Jam '93 - David Robinson and Sean Elliott: Robinson and Elliott were a decent team, but Jam wasn't a game built around big men, instead favoring exciting, high-flying wing/shooting guard-type players. Elliott fits this mold, but wasn't on the same level as guys like Pippen, Clyde Drexler, and Blue Edwards (just kidding). In '09, the Spurs would be the classic talented-but-not-dominant recognizable aging-star team like the Celtics. Worth having around, but not winning any pageants.

Sidenote: The Spurs also signed Antonio McDyess, Theo Ratliff, and DeJuan Blair this off-season. Total number of fully operational knees among the three: one.

4. Portland Trailblazers

NBA Jam '09 - Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge: Although I like Steve Blake, the 54-win Blazers' biggest weakness last year was arguably having a point that could push the tempo for this young, athletic squad. Enter Andre Miller with a reasonable three-year deal to help fill the void as a distributor and supporting scorer. The Blazers rebound well and play solid defense, and the consensus last year was that they were still a year or two away. Well, their time may be now because if any of the above teams falter, they could slip in and challenge. Roy, their underrated star, is now locked up for the next five years, and all their success last year came while getting essentially nothing from former #1 overall pick Greg Oden. If he develops into even a capable starter, look out.

NBA Jam '93 - Clyde Drexler and Terry Porter: Clyde "The Glide" was one of the biggest stars of the early '90s, leading Portland to the Finals in '92 before finally winning one in Houston a few years later. Porter, who more recently has bounced around as a coach, was a decent guard in his time who didn't do anything exceptional, but was all-around serviceable. For '09, Roy was the type of player made for Jam and Aldridge could be a solid inside guy to pull down rebounds. I have nothing else to say here, so I'll finish by saying that I miss back when a different Blazer was getting arrested every weekend. Thank god for the Bengals.

Sidenote: Here's what ESPN says about the Blazers' signing of well-traveled veteran Juwan Howard: "He's a replacement-level player who won't screw up, which is about what you get at this price." Remember when Howard was one of the Fab Five at Michigan and a top five overall pick? Wow, I'm getting old. To his credit, he's the last one from that team still playing ball, so good for him.

5. New Orleans Hornets

NBA Jam '09 - Chris Paul and David West: The Hornets took a step back last year in what was somewhat of a tumultuous season after their attempt to trade Tyson Chandler fell through. A first round playoff exit translated to disappointment, which is a testament to how far this team has come since they drafted Paul third overall. The biggest deal this off-season was the successful trade of Chandler to Charlotte for Emeka Okafor, who has been labeled a bust, a solid supporting player, and everything in between. For the Hornets, he'll provide scoring and rebounds, two things they could use in the front court. Despite this, due to the conference they play in, another first round exit could be on the way.

NBA Jam '93 - Larry Johnson and Alonzo Mourning: Grandma Ma! Johnson and Mourning were the young up-and-comers in '93, fresh off knocking the favored Celtics out of the first round of the playoffs. This year, Paul and West are similar in their youth, but very different styles of players. I think they reflect more of the old-school Pistons team with Paul as Isaiah and West as a more athletic Laimbeer.

Sidenote: Okafor led the league last year in shots blocked. No, not shots that he blocked, shots of his that were blocked. This could end badly.

6. Dallas Mavericks

NBA Jam '09 - Dirk Nowitzki and Jason Kidd: People have been predicting the demise of the Mavericks ever since they lost to the Warriors as a top seed a few years back. They're not done yet. The questionable deal for Jason Kidd appears to have worked out fairly well for both teams, with Kidd putting up nice numbers last year and gelling with Nowitzki, one of the league's top shooters, and Josh Howard, who does a lot of nice things on both ends of the court. They've also added Shawn Marion, who was once mistaken for an elite player instead of just a very good one, but the Mavs aren't asking him to be a star, just do what he does: score and rebound. All they had to give up was Antoine Wright, Devean George, and the artist formally known as Jerry Stackhouse, so, nothing.

NBA Jam '93 - Derek Harper and Jim Jackson: The Mavs were pitiful back in '93. Who else were they going to use? Rolando Blackmon? Fat Lever? Mark Aguirre? Actually, for the arcade version, the answer was Mike Iuzzolino. Who is Mike Iuzzolino? I wasn't sure, so I looked him up. "Uzi" (a nickname I just gave him) was a 5'10" point guard drafted in the second round out of Penn State. In his two years in Dallas, he averaged 9 points a game, and played the rest of his career in Italy. Not exactly a good sign if he was qualified as one of your top two players.

Sidenote: I went with Kidd in the '09 version strictly for recognition value. Howard may be the better player at this point, but Kidd would sell more.

7. Oklahoma City Thunder

NBA Jam '09 - Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook: There seem to be two takes on the Thunder this year. The first is that they are a year away from really contending in the West, that they are loaded with assets, but are still raw and lack size in the middle. While this may be true, especially the last part, I am a member of the other camp. I look at Kevin Durant, and I see Jordan in the late '80s. Now, I'm not saying Durant will ever be on Jordan's level, but I think his supporting cast is better than those Bulls teams that Jordan almost single-handedly pulled into the playoffs, and Durant is probably two years from being one of the top five players in the league. There will be room to move in those final playoff spots out West, as stalwarts like Phoenix, Houston, and Utah all look susceptible to a plunge, and if this young team gets out of the gate fast, their confidence will soar and they will believe in their budding superstar to lead the way.

NBA Jam '93 - Shawn Kemp and Detlef Schrempf They were the Seattle SuperSonics then, and who didn't love Shawn Kemp? Well besides some of his babies' mamas. In another time, a time without Jordan, the Sonics of the mid '90s would've probably won at least one title. Alas, it was not to be. One Finals appearance and one bad first round exit against the Nuggets are what Kemp, Schrempf, Gary Payton, and Nate McMillan's teams will be remembered for. As previously noted, Payton was not legally allowed to be put in Jam, so Schrempf, a fine perimeter shooter with a badass name, got the nod.

Sidenote: Think the Thunder/Sonics like drafting project big men in the first round? In the past few years, they've drafted Johan Petro, Robert Swift, Saer Sene, Serge Ibaka, BJ Mullens, and Nick Collison. Only Colliison will get real minutes for them this year.

8. Golden State Warriors

NBA Jam '09 - Monta Ellis and Stephen Jackson: I'll be honest, I don't think the Warriors are going to be that great this year. There isn't a lot separating the seventh team from the twelfth team in the conference. What I do think is that the Warriors, between Ellis, Jackson, Corey Maggette, Anthony Randolph, Brandan Wright, and Andris Bierdins in the middle, have one of the most athletic teams in the NBA. This is a team that will run and score points and be exciting to watch. This fact is aided by the drafting of gunner Stephen Curry, who should instantly be able to score for the Warriors. The problem is how do all of these teams fit together? It looks like an awful lot of guys who like to shoot and not enough who like to pass. If Don Nelson were alive, he might be able to figure this out, but it would appear he asked for the check two years ago.

NBA Jam '93 - Tim Hardaway and Chris Mullin: In '93, Hardaway and Mullin were mentioned in the same breath as Stockton and Malone, and like the Jazz's dual threats, were one of the best teams in the game. Fast forward 16 years: Hardaway is now known mostly for setting himself up for a political career in Texas and Mullin was recently outed as general manager of the Warriors so he can go back to possibly being Kurt Russell's long lost brother. In '09? Ellis and Jackson would probably be one of the most underrated duos in the game. Both are fast, explosive, have range, and can dunk. They'd be as fun to play as as they will be to watch some nights.

Sidenote: This team, which focuses on athleticism and youth, also signed Mikki Moore this offseason. Allow ESPN's John Hollinger to say for me what, as a Celtics fan, I witnessed last season: "This one is a head scratcher. Moore turns 34 the first week of the season, he was brutally awful last season, and the Warriors already have a surplus of string-bean power forwards. How does this move fit in with a rebuilding team?"

9. Los Angeles Clippers

NBA Jam '09 - Blake Griffin and Baron Davis: And now for a little word association: I say "Clippers," and you say...what? Woeful? Depressing? Awful? As recently as last year, this team was the laughing stock of the NBA. They've won one playoff series since the '70s. At one point, their best player was Loy Vaught. So now I have them on the cusp of making the playoffs? Believe it. Davis should be in a better mood with more talent around him this year and has a lot to prove after an injury-riddled first season in L.A. Eric Gordon is an absolute sniper on his way to becoming a possible all-star. They got rid of Zach "The Cancer" Randolph, and added nice role players like Craig Smith and Rasual Butler. Marcus Camby and Chris Kaman return from injury and will be backed up by DeAndre Jordan, who has plenty of talent and started putting things together last year. All this and I haven't even mentioned Blake Griffin, the top pick in the draft who will be a solid starter out of the gate. Will all these things fall together for the Clippers? Not likely. But things have changed in their division as only the Lakers appear to be head and shoulders above the rest, which should add up for a much improved win total for their crosstown rivals (pfft).

NBA Jam '93 - Danny Manning and Ron Harper: Manning had a few good years and Harper went on to be a nice supporting member of Jordan's Bulls, but this team lacked anything inspiring. I don't know if I ever even played as them. For now, the '09 team would be Baron and Griffin due to recognizability, but check back in a couple years when Griffin and Eric Gordon would probably be one of the most exciting teams in the game. Let's hear it for NBA Jam 2011!

Sidenote: The Clippers also added one of my least favorite players, Sea Bass Telfair, in the deal that netted them Smith. I'll try not to hold that against them since he'll barely see the light of day, but if he starts logging serious minutes, something went desperately wrong.

10. Phoenix Suns

NBA Jam '09 - Amare Stoudemire and Steve Nash: The Suns have been a fixture near the top of of the Western standings for almost the entire past decade, but somehow have not reached the Finals. When the Lakers were susceptible, the Spurs dominated. When the Spurs were beatable, the Lakers took over. In retooling and trying to reconfigure around their weaknesses, the Suns would inevitably lose their identity and start running out of time. Nash is still a quality player, and Stoudemire should stay healthy this year, but the supporting cast is not nearly what it used to be. They essentially gave away Shaq for nothing, and replaced Matt Barnes with Channing Frye. They brought back Grant Hill, but that may not prove to be a good thing. Jason Richardson and Leandro Barbosa can score, but they don't have a single inside guy who can play defense. Not a recipe for success.

NBA Jam '93 - Charles Barkley and Kevin Johnson: The Suns were awesome. In fact, they were the only team out west that could out-awesome the Sonics, beating them in seven games for the right to face the Bulls in the Finals. Sir Charles was added for pennies on the dollar, KJ rolled at point, and Thundering Dan Majerle (available in other versions of the game) drained the shots from the perimeter. Back in the day, every kid had a Starter jacket. I am proud to say I opted for a Suns Starter jacket. In '09, Nash and Stoudemire's ratings would probably be inflated and could compete with anybody, but unfortunately life won't imitate art since the real NBA requires more than two players and defense to win.

Sidenote: Second-year bench player and twin brother of Nets talent Brook Lopez, Robin Lopez may be rapidly moving into Frank Stallone, Ozzie Canseco, and Billy Ripken territory. I like to call it the Bowfinger Complex, and even though only ten people got that reference, they are all very happy with themselves right now, and that's enough for me.

11. Utah Jazz

NBA Jam '09 - Carlos Boozer and Deron Williams: This is probably an unfair rating as I'm banking on Boozer being moved at some point since the Jazz can't afford to keep him. With him, they look very much like the team that made it to the second round of the playoffs last year. Everybody else returns -- Mehmet Okur, Ronnie Brewer, Paul Millsap, Andrei Kirilenko and Kirilenko's infidelity-supporting wife. If they somehow keep Boozer, then they probably move up dramatically to around the five or six spot, but with him leaving (even Boozer himself has said he expects to go), Millsap is the only guy left inside, and he's not nearly the scorer Boozer is. Nobody else on the team fits the bill as Deron's running mate, and Deron doesn't quite possess the star power of Chris Paul to carry a team by himself. I do like the draft pick of backup point guard Eric Maynor out of VCU.

NBA Jam '93 - Karl Malone and John Stockton: Malone and Stockton were THE give-and-go combo of the '90s, and both are surefire first-round ballot Hall-of-Famers. The thing is, neither was great at what NBA Jam highlights -- slashers, dunkers, long ball shooters. The result was a solid, but not spectacular team. I'm sure it doesn't bother them though; Stockton is probably just happy to be a better representative of his alma mater, Gonzaga, than Adam Morrison, and Malone is probably just happy that he doesn't have any more college athletes claiming he's their father.

Sidenote: Malone is also the only person I know of who not only named his son after him (Karl, Jr.) but a daughter as well (Karlee). Ironically, Malone's three kids from other women all went on to be professional athletes while the four he had with his wife, Kay, did not. I guess Kay wasn't a big sports gal?

12. Houston Rockets

NBA Jam '09 - Beginning of the Season: Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady
After Accounting for Inevitable Injuries: Aaron Brooks and Luis Scola? Yao is already out for the year, and McGrady probably can't be depended on to play more than 30 games. So where does that leave the Rockets? Not in great shape. Trevor Ariza is a nice addition, but nobody else on this team is capable of replacing the offense the maligned star duo brought to the court. At one point last year, when everyone was healthy, they were considered to be possible challengers in the West, but by the time the playoffs began, they were down and out. It looks like Houston will be landing in the lottery and hoping for a healthy Yao in 10-11.

NBA Jam '93 - Hakeem Olajuwon and Vernon Maxwell: Maxwell was a good outside shooter and Hakeem "The Dream" led the Rockets to the '95 title. I'd be interested to see what team/ratings the Jam producers would trot out for this year's squad. Yao is definitely out and McGrady is a shell of his former self, both in play and in hunger. Without them, there isn't much else in the way of marketability or talent. I like Brooks, but if he's your best player on the floor, you're in deep trouble.

Sidenote: The Rockets' most intriguing off-season move was bringing in David Andersen, one of the top players in Europe the past five seasons. Andersen will attempt to replace Yao, but plays more like Andrea Bargnani, still leaving the Rockets without an inside defensive presence to match up with the big men out West.

13. Minnesota Timberwolves

NBA Jam '09 - Al Jefferson and Ricky Rub-- (Just Kidding) Ramon Sessions: The T'Wolves have been in disarray since trading away KG. When Big Al plays, he's one of the top big men in the game, but he is yet to play a full season in Minny. The supporting cast around him constantly seems to be in flux -- the team was never satisfied with Randy Foye after swapping Brandon Roy for him on draft day, and Corey Brewer has yet to live up to his potential. They seem to have hit on Kevin Love, who provides a nice passing/rebounding complement down low to Jefferson, but the back court has more issues than ever. The draft pick of Rubio will probably pay off long term, but he probably won't suit up for two years. They signed Ramon Sessions, who is an upgrade, but there is disagreement on how high his ceiling actually is. Rookie Jonny Flynn will turn in good minutes, but won't have much expected of him early on.

NBA Jam '93 - Christian Laettner and Chuck Person: It's hard to imagine that at one point, people were excited about Christian Laettner. But in '93, he was the best thing going in Minnesota, so maybe things aren't so bad right now. Other versions of the game paired him with J. R. Rider, which is instantly more funny when you remember that, A) Rider was once considered to be on his way to stardom, and B) he ended up probably owning more bongs than the entire University of Vermont campus.

Sidenote: Kevin McHale was finally relieved of his position as GM this off-season. Is it possible for the Celtics to retire his number a second time, this time as the Wolves GM that sent them KG? He's as responsible for that 17th title as anyone else.

14. Memphis Grizzlies

NBA Jam '09 - OJ Mayo and Rudy Gay: If you're wondering what I think about Allen Iverson going to Memphis, here it is: I'd be more intrigued if it was 2001. However, I am no longer a 130-pound high school junior, and Iverson is no longer one of the premiere shooting guards in the game. Do they really need someone to take shots away from the developing Mayo and Gay? And are people in Memphis really going to care enough about Iverson to start showing up to games? If the Grizz moved to Seattle under fall of night, how long would it take for the city of Memphis to notice? Could the University of Memphis beat the Grizzlies in a pickup game? Obviously, I have many questions about what is going on in Tennessee. Marc Gasol was a nice find, but he's not his brother, who the team gave away for next to nothing. And besides, he'll be corrupted by Zach Randolph in time for Christmas. The only thing the Grizzlies did effectively this off-season was launder the money required to get Shawn Marion to Dallas.

Gay was disappointing last season, and Mayo appears to be the brightest spot on this sorry team. He could be a star in a couple years, hopefully somewhere far away from Memphis, but for now, this team would't be much to get excited about. A new Jam might include Iverson for name recognition, but there are only two people who are fooled into thinking Iverson is still a prime-time player: owner Michael Heisley and Iverson himself.

NBA Jam '93 - None

Sidenote: They drafted Hasheem Thabeet second overall! They're set in the post! Yeah, except for the fact that Thabeet couldn't post up Yi Jianlian's chair on offense. I'm getting a vision: five years from now, Thabeet will be on his third team, splitting minutes with Chris Mihm, and his agent will be lobbying Kevin Bacon to team up with him for The Air Up There 2.

15. Sacramento Kings

NBA Jam '09 - Kevin Martin and Spencer Hawes: The Kings suck. Martin is their "star" when really he's just an oft-injured shooter who doesn't do much else. They have a couple nice young big men in Hawes and Jason Thompson, but they would probably be more of third and fourth options on a good team, and even that is years away. They drafted Tyreke Evans, who I like, but is far from a sure thing, and doesn't have a specific position in the back court. The Kings are in the middle of an arena dispute with the city of Sacramento, as the Arco Arena is becoming derelict, so perhaps relocation is in their future (obvious vote for Seattle). Until that gets settled, they have no money, minimal talent, and could be the front-runner in the John Wall Sweepstakes next spring.

NBA Jam '93 - Mitch Richmond and Wayman Tisdale: I'm going to surprise you here: The Kings were my favorite team to play as in NBA Jam. You may have heard of Richmond, but you probably don't remember Tisdale unless you were a big Oklahoma Sooners fan, where he was a three-time All-American. I don't know how or why, because they weren't even rated that well, but with the Kings, I was near unstoppable. I was accused of cheating by my friends as their Sonics or Suns helplessly watched me run up and down the court. Richmond was a machine; he could score from anywhere, matched up against any player, and Tisdale always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. The only explanation I can come up with is one of the programmers must've been Tisdale's cousin or something, but the Kings in NBA Jam were the real deal.


That does it for me. Enjoy the NBA season. It should be an exciting one, as the league appears to be as talented as it has been at any point in the past decade. I'm gonna go track down an old Sega and unlock Air Dog and P. Funk on hard mode, then beat every team with the Kings.